The Lorax
We fade into a scene with Tamara and a tree in a scene reminiscent of The Giving Tree. Narrator: (played by Malcolm Ray, vo) Once there was a tree, and she loved a little boy. Every day, the boy would come and say... Little Boy: (played by Tamara Chambers) Gosh, I love you, tree! Let's be together forever! Tree: Why, that would be lovely, child. And I will always be here for you. Narrator: The boy loved the tree, and the tree was happy. But time went by, and the tree got older and the tree was often alone. Fade to white on the same shot as the little boy returns (played by Doug Walker) dragging an ax behind him. Narrator: Then, one day, the boy came to the tree, and the tree said... Tree: Come, boy! Come climb up my trunk, and swing- (he swings something, alright, as he starts chopping the tree down) AAH! AH! STOP! NO! AH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! AAAAAAAAH! (The tree falls to the ground and the little boy drags her off as she grunts and pants through the pain) Why, boy?! Why have you done this to me?! Wait. What is that? (The little boy picks up the tree with surprising ease.) What IS that?! ("That" is revealed to be a wood chipper modified into a "Paper Maker") No! No! Nonono! Think of the memories we had! Why would you- (The boy tosses the tree inside, letting her scream in agony as he watches nonchalantly. What remains is a pile of papers that pop out of the machine. Lightning strikes as the little boy looks down upon the papers and picks them up. He slaps one onto the wall, revealing it to be a poster of...) Little Boy: Go see The Lorax! Find out how you too can save the trees! (Ed. Ironic, ain't it?) Cue the Nostalgia Critic opening. Fade into a shot of the Lorax Mall adorned by all things anti-Seuss/With buildings towering overhead that marketed up the wazoos/Lorax Mazda Cars, Lorax IHOP, Lorax Pop Songs, Lorax Toys/All plaguing the minds of our dear little girls and boys./And above all of that, towering over the crowds/Is, regretfully, the movie that drove the dear Lorax to the ground... The Crowd: (played by Rob Scallion, Tamara Chambers as a little girl, Doug Walker, Jim Jarosz, and Malcolm Ray) (watches the movie) Aunt Grizelda: Who invited the giant furry peanut? Lorax: I'll go right up your nose! Once-ler: Whoa, you wouldn't hit a woman! Lorax: That's a woman? The crowd laughs themselves silly as they watch the trainwreck play/While the Nostalgia Critic stands alone on the street, seeing the angering display. NC: I am the Critic. I speak for the Seuss/Observing how all of this BULLSHIT got loose! Cut to the monitor, which now plays clips in a flash/Of all the commercials that displayed the Lorax with his big, bushy mustache. NC (vo): The Lorax, a book that's read by a ton/Has been ripped into shreds, and can't be undone. Cut back to NC. NC: The timelessly written book for all ages/Succumbs to the dumb of the focus-group cases! In their HQ, the "focus-group cases" celebrate their success/The Critic is evidently not pleased with what has transgressed. NC: Well, I'm standing up for the small hairy orange/I'm going on up there and- ... You know, I'm done rhyming. (NC walks into the building) (Ed. Me, too.) Cut to an office where the focus-group cases turn out to be Analyst 1 (played by Rob Walker) and Analyst 2 (played by Malcolm Ray) from The Cat in the Hat review, giving themselves a toast. (Ed. For the sake of not confusing anyone, they shall be named Analyst Rob and Analyst Malcolm.) Analyst Malcolm: To The Lorax being a huge hit. Analyst Rob: Yes. Now let's see if we can make a live-action version of "Goodnight, Moon" starring Madea. Cut to NC, who barges in more pissed than ever. Analyst Rob: Oh, great. Another pep-talk from the "Seuss Nazi". Or as I like to call them, "Seuss-zis". NC: (starts randomly pointing at Rob and Malcolm) You think you can get away with dumbing-down Dr. Seuss like you did with The Cat in the Hat and The Grinch?! (suddenly realizes) ...Follow-up question: Didn't I kill you two? Analyst Rob: We're like mononucleosis. We never fully go away. Analyst Malcolm: And we often put you to sleep. NC: Don't you see the harm you're doing to the wonderful world Dr. Seuss created? Analyst Malcolm: The box-office disagrees. Analyst Rob: Indeed, the people love it. (Toast.) NC: But that's what's making it worse! Do I really have to show you the obvious problems you're causing? Analyst Malcolm: No, but I get the feeling you're going to, anyway. NC: (sits his ass down) This is The Lorax! The Analysts groan in annoyance. Cut to the movie. NC (vo): We open in Thneedville as the credits roll, a town made completely out of plastic and where no trees exist at all. Townspeople: (singing and dancing) Thneedville! It's a brand new dawn NC (vo): (sighs) I'd like to thank this film for making me realize how sick I am of over-the-top upbeat musical intros. NC: Sorry, opening to the Muppets movie. (A poster for the 2011 Muppets movie appears in the top-right corner.) I have to hate you now. (Booing is heard.) BLAME THIS MOVIE! NC (vo): So we see a Gap Kids commercial (Ted Wiggins) meet up with an Abercrombie and Fitch commercial (Audrey) voiced by "timeless acting giants" Zac Efron and Taylor Swift. Audrey: Oh, hi, Ted. Ted: (snaps out of his daze and starts speaking, with a MAN'S voice instead of a boy's voice) Oh, hey. Audrey. Hi. NC (vo): Wow, that is not the voice I expected to come out of that kid. You know, because, a twelve-year-old boy should always be voiced by a TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD MAN, right? Ted: Alright, cool. Hey, I gotta run. I gotta go do a thing. So, I'll see you guys. NC (vo): I'm pretty sure that's how they did it in The Iron Giant, isn't it? Cut to footage of The Iron Giant, where Hogarth goes to jump in the lake. Hogarth is dubbed over by Doug Walker doing an over-the-top man voice. "Hogarth": HEY, DEAN! WATCH THIS! BANZAI! (jumps into the lake and shivers in the cold water) U-U-U-U-UGH... C-C-COME ON IN! TH-TH-TH-THE WATER'S GREAT! Dean: No, thanks. "Hogarth": YOU... WEENIE!!! Cut back to The Lorax. NC (vo): It turns out this girl is an (flamboyantly) artist (normal) who paints pictures of trees, and dreams one day being able to see a real one. Ted: If a guy somehow got you one... Audrey: Well, I'd probably marry him on the spot. I bet that sounds crazy. Does that sound crazy? NC: Well, that depends. Do you mean it literally, or do you have a good sense of humor, or- (quickly) Nothing else is going to be revealed about you in this movie, is it? NC (vo): You're just a bland piece of Who-ass to get his Truffula growing so he can set out on this movie's hypocritical quest. Aren't you? Audrey: And people said that the touch of their tufts were softer than anything. NC: Well, any other cliche'd characters or, as I like to call them, "cliche-acers" (Cliche-acters?) you'd like to get out early in the movie? Cut to Grammy Norma, skiing down a slope (Like a boss!) and blowing a kiss to a random skier who wipes out afterwards. NC (vo): (in a "kewl" accent) The hip rockin' granny! NC: Okay, okay. Any others? Cut to Mrs. Wiggins. Ted's mom: Disco! (starts dancing to disco music) NC (vo): (in a goofy accent) The embarrasing parent! NC: Painful. Very painful. Any others? Cut to Aloysius O'Hare. O'Hare: The more smog in the sky, the more people will buy! NC (vo): Oh, of course! The corporate bad guy who owns the town with no redeeming elements whatsoever. You could call him the missing Captain Planet villain: (text appears reading "Shempy") Shempy! Marketing Agent: "How can I possibly make even more money?!" Haha, we can tell ya, sir! We can tell ya! NC (vo): Why, he's so evil, he actually wants to sell fresh air to people because their pollution is already destroying the air that they have. NC: Um... (screenshot of Spaceballs with the can of Perri-Air appears) Spaceballs did it? O'Hare: I make a living selling fresh air to people. Trees, oh! They do it for free. I consider it kind of a threat to my business... NC (vo): Okay, first of all, if you're gonna steal (picture of Edna Mode from The Incredibles appears) Edna Mode's design sheet, pick a voice that matches. Those vocals match about as well as... Ted: Oh, hey. Audrey. NC: That. Second! Cut to the 1972 TV special. NC (vo): Isn't the idea of The Lorax that there is no real bad guy? It's just a cautionary tale of when someone, anyone, takes too much without realizing it. 1972 Once-ler: Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot/Nothing's going to get better. It's not... Cut back to the office. Analyst Rob: But you don't understand. We don't want people to feel bad about themselves. Analyst Malcolm: Yes, people are less likely to buy things when they feel bad. Analyst Rob: It's easier to show a clear right-and-wrong message so that no kids are confused. (Toast.) NC: But maybe they SHOULD be confused. Hell, maybe what you're doing is confusing them in a different way! Look! The Analysts look out the window to the crowd watching the movie. NC (vo): When you make your characters less human, you suck out the humanity, meaning people are less likely to see what they could become. Tamara: (dressed as a little girl) Daddy, could that be me? Jim: (plays the girl's father) No, kiddo. He's evil. You're good. Tamara: Oh. Okay! (tosses her wrapper, letting it fall to the ground) Malcolm: Man, I'm glad I'm not as evil as that guy. Doug: Yeah. They both do the same. Soon, everyone starts tossing their wrappers to the ground one by one as they continue to watch the movie. NC (vo): Just like a delicate seed can grow a great oak, so can a faulty message grow a big problem. Cut back to the office. Analyst Malcolm: Yes, but clearly we show it in a satirical sense, so that makes it alright. (Toast.) NC: In what way? How does laughing at the bad things you do make it any less bad? Analyst Rob: ...Well, the chart says- NC: FORGET IT! NC (vo): So Mini-Trump watches the boy leave the town to find a tree, leading him of course to the home of the Once-ler. Ted walks up to the Once-ler's house, passing by a stone with Unless written on it NC (vo): Well, there went the surprise of the powerful line that closed out the original- Oh, fuck it! I'm just gonna assume nothing in this film is gonna move me at all. Analyst Rob (vo): It's really the best way to watch it. Ted gets pulled up by a rope and pulley to the second floor window where the Once-ler confronts him angrily. Once-ler: Who are you?! Who are you and what are you doing here?! NC (vo): My God, they finally found Bill Watterson! Once-ler: You wanna know about trees? About what happened to them? Why they're all gone...? NC (vo): So the Once-ler, of course, tells the story about what happened to all the trees, naturally keeping his face hidden throughout the story so, like I said before, he can represent how this can happen to anyone. Anyone watching right no- (scene flashes back to the Once-ler as a young man) Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!! NC: (calms himself down) Maybe I'm over exaggerating. After all, it is an hour and a half long movie. An hour and a half is a long time to go without seeing your... (picture of Ted pops up) kinda main character. I mean, it's an adaptation. I got it. There's gonna have to be changes from an adaptation. Fair enough. At the very least, they're making him timeless. Somebody that everyone can look back on years later, and not laugh at for being so incredibly dated and dumb- Young Once-ler: (singing and playing electric guitar) Gonna chop one down and make my Thneed! NC: FFFFF- (NC gets up and jumps around in a fit of rage before sitting back down) -FFFFFFF-- (calms down) I don't care for that. (breathes in heavy and breathes out) NC (vo): This Once-ler is a ("kewl"-speak) super-young, electric-guitar-playing, tight-clothes-wearing, fedora-hat-toting, pop-cultural-referencing, Zack Braff...ing, (normal) completely dated product of the times! Young Once-ler: (singing and playing electric guitar) Na na nanana na!/(speaking) Oh, I got a little jingle./Uh... no.../Gonna blow some minds./Whoop-a-dee-po-pow!/Yeah. See?/Uh, yea-n-uh, no./What's his problem?/(singing) I'm just sayin'/(speaking) Weirdo. NC (vo): Bull. Fucking. Shit! Cut back to the office, where the Analysts are now in front of a computer. Analyst Malcolm: Yes, and the Once-lings seem to love him. (Toast.) NC: The what? (gets up to join the Analysts in front of the computer) Analyst Rob: The Once-lings. Apparently, our character was so "hip with the lay-days" that they decided to form an online community around him. (Toast) Engage. Analyst Malcolm taps on the keyboard, bringing up a website, presumably a Tumblr site, called "Onceler Secrets", completely dedicated to everything about the "hip" Once-ler. NC: Oh my God, this was a thing? Analyst Malcolm: Yes, and we even have one online right now. She calls herself HyperFanGirl. Another tap of the keyboard brings up feed of HyperFanGirl (played by Tamara Chambers, of course) reading "The Art of the Matrix" before setting the book down to chat with the Analysts. HyperFanGirl: Oh! My! God, guys! I just love all the emo haircuts (pictures of Jojo from Horton Hears a Who!, Ted, and Young Once-ler are shown) you're giving to the Dr. Seuss characters! You're giving them a style that will last forever, like the Jonas Brothers!!! NC: Why do you love this Once-ler? He's every other quirky, alternative product mixed into a Michael Cera action figure. They should have called him the Hipster. Analysts: Ooh. (Toast) HyperFanGirl: He is clearly not a hipster. Hipsters act like they don't care how they look and then they take seven hours to put their outfits together. He CLEARLY only took six. NC: You can't just like someone because he's really nerdy, into retro media, wears a bunch of half-professional half-grungy clo- (suddenly realizes he matches that description perfectly and finds HyperFanGirl smitten by him as the Romeo and Juliet Overture plays) HyperFanGirl: What are you doing this evening? NC: Not you. Dump her! HyperFanGirl reaches out dramatically as her feed is cut, leaving NC to sigh in relief and annoyance. Analyst Rob: ...You know, you really are a bit of a hipster. NC: Shut up! NC (vo): So the Once-ler- (fangirls scream) Oh, shut up. (screaming stops) -comes across a land filled with trees and- (the Humming-Fish sing in a painfully-high tone, doing less humming and more annoying) -painfully obvious Minion backwash... Clip of the Minion Banana Song teaser for Despicable Me 2 is played over the painfully annoying Humming-Fish audio. NC (vo): As he starts to chop them all down for his new business. Once-ler: Little did I know that by chopping down that tree, I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. NC: (as the Once-ler) The Danny DeVito cameo! NC (vo): Of course, the Lorax is in one of the trees as all the characters circle around the chopped-down life to mourn its loss. The Lorax, along with the Swomee-Swans, the Bar-ba-loots, and the Humming-Fish, place stones around the stump to honor the tragic loss to the forest. NC (vo): Now that's actually a very touching moment that fits the spirit of the book. It's new, it's different, but it keeps to the message, love, and even kinda subtlety of what Seuss was going for. NC: ...How do they fuck it up? NC (vo): Well, CLEARLY we can make the message much more powerful by adding in Mission: Impossible homages! The Humming-Fish sing the Mission: Impossible theme. NC (vo): A dozen more of those Minion moments! The Humming-Fish sing the Funeral March as the Hipster Once-ler floats down the river sleeping on his bed. Cut to Despicable Me 2 with the two Minions, specifically Tom and Stuart, delivering actual humor as they deliver that classic line. Stuart: Bottom. Tom and Stuart laugh immaturely. NC (vo): And the non-violent passifist Lorax of the original now tried to DROWN our hero in the hopes that that will lead him away! Oh, and don't forget a few more lame-ass pop cultural references! Once-ler: Why aren't you like other kids, break-dancing and playing the Donkey Kongs? NC: ...So Donkey Kong is now officially part of the Dr. Seuss canon? ...I don't know how to feel about that. HyperFanGirl: I know, it's so retro! Hold me! NC cuts her feed again. NC (vo): So the Wilford Brimley Oompa-Loompa feels bad for almost drowning the Once-ler. (fangirls scream) Shut up!! (screaming stops) So he makes it up to him by tearing the shit out of his new home. DeVito Lorax: It was cold outside. And we just fell asleep. (A Humming Fish is seen bathing himself in a coffee mug.) Hipster Once-ler: Okay, I put my lips on the-/(sees a Swomee-Swan laying an egg) Ew! DeVito Lorax: What's for breakfast? (opens the fridge, seeing a fat Bar-ba-loot showly shoving a stick of butter into his mouth)/Breakfast is overrated. (closes the fridge door)/(brushing his mustache with the Hipster Once-ler's toothbrush) Ha! Why do you have one of these? You don't even have a mustache! NC (vo): Yes, teaching lessons about staying out of other's environments is made much stronger by invading YOUR environment. Hipster Once-ler: I got work to do. (strips out of his pajamas in front of DeVito Lorax and into his hipster outfit) Yep, I gotta go into town and sell my Thneed. NC (vo): So the Once-ler-- (fangirls scream) DON'T MAKE ME IMPALE YOU!!! (screaming stops) --makes a deal with The Lorax that he won't cut down any more trees and that the one he got is enough to sell his product called the Thneed. (The Hipster Once-ler tosses the Thneed which lands on a nerdy teen girl's head, knocking her glasses off and letting her hair down. She slowly flips her hair with the Thneed on her head as if there was supposed to be a dramatic change to her appearance.) Cool-Sunglasses Teen Boy: Hey. Cool hat. Over-excited Teen Girl: Oh my gosh. I totally want one. Totally-Not-A-Cliched-Bitch Other Teen Girl: That thing makes me like you more. NC (vo): Ah. How advertisers thought marketing for the Lorax would work... and sadly did work. Townspeople: (singing) Everybody needs a Thneed! A fine thing that all people need! NC: And there went my enjoyment for the upbeat (poster for The Lego Movie with the phrase "Everything is awesome!" appears) Lego Moviesong. (Booing is heard) BLAME THIS MOVIE! IT'S THE ONE THAT MADE ME REALIZE IT WAS BEING OVERUSED!! NC (vo): I should point out that it does sometimes cut back to our main leads still suffering from "bland-millenial-itis", but they're so rushed and so generic that you forget about them just as soon as you watch them. I think the most that happens is (sarcastically) "The Man" (normal) paints over Flower Girl's artwork. Why? What's that even supposed to accomplish? Is that really gonna make such a big difference? NC: It's kinda like saying "Oh! You want to see Elsa and Jack Frost together? (A picture of them is shown licking the same ice cream cone) Well, what if we just put a giant "X" over your fan art! (Same picture is shown with a giant red "X" over it) NOW YOU'LL NEVER EVER WANT TO SEE THEM AGAIN AS LONG AS YOU LIVE!! WILL YOU?! WILL YOU?!" (NC lets out a crazy laugh) HyperFanGirl: Hey! Did you damage my fan art? I still love you. (NC cuts off her feed again as we cut to commercial) Category:Content Category:Guides